The ex-File.
Let me preface this (and all future posts too) with the fact that I'm not holding back on the topics anymore. I used to disregard certain subjects to spare feelings, mostly my own, but those days are gone.
Is it ever really over? you ask yourself.
If you're anything like me - which is for the most part, pretty level headed I hope - then you've had this conversation before...you're thinking how do I bring it up, and once you figure that part out, you think, when do I bring it up.
I've found it helps to assess the severity level ; like you moved in it got ugly and now there's tape down the entire apartment bad or you ended up with their best friend bad...both of which sound majorly unpleasant. But it helps to use a few context clues so you know what you're getting yourself into.
Everyone says there are 7 levels of separation. I used to think that was a crock of shit but as I get older, I find that everyone knows someone, who knows another person that you probably know. If you're dating someone you've met at a common place (school, work, local bar etc) there's a really good chance that you know a guy that knows another guy, who's dated someone you've probably fucked. So there's that.
Another "tact" people use is Social media - let's face it, you've creeped, both the person you're interested in and their past counterpart. A word to the wise STOP IT if you wanna remain sane. This is crucial if they're still "friendly" whether it be in person or on social media, and even more critical if you YOURSELF are friends with them. use some self restrain and STOP LOOKING.
Yes you're going to get those thoughts of insecurity....what made them work together in the first place?, what did they see in them?, do they still have feelings for them?, and here comes the crazy. The best way to quiet the voices is to avoid it all together. Whether that's using self-restrain, de-friending, blocking, unfollowing or just plain deactivating (for extreme cases).
Once you think you're ready...
talk about it!
This is probably the most important page in the file. There are those couples where one, or both has only ever been with the other person, and they end up together forever. (my mom is one of those people, my dad on the other hand...) and that's great...
For the rest of the normal population (kidding, sorta) there's gunna be a file, or many. (hopefully there isn't a cabinet though) The person you're seeing isn't stupid, and they've done their homework. They don't wanna know your past favorites (songs, places to eat, positions, etc) but they DO wanna know what happened in some way shape or form. Call it curiosity or insecurity or reassurance, it's not unhealthy to want to know about these things, in fact it's pretty damn mature if you can sit down and have this conversation (usually after some liquid courage).
Now I'm not saying you should have weekly discussions about the ex-files by any means...what I AM saying is that you need to face the facts and them let them go.