It's been a very long time since I wrote anything personal.
I haven't really felt at ease, for the longest time in a long time. And I've been selfish with sharing my emotions in this format, like I said I would. I've been physically writing things down, because I wanted to get everything out, the best way I could. What I mean by that is, no filter, so time to backspace or bold or edit. I love writing in my journal because it's the only place that hold my purist of thoughts. Names, dates, emotions, everything is in there as I feel it, sometimes I just can't get there via this blog. But, I am making a conscious effort towards getting back to the good old days where I really didn't give a shit about censorship.
* this is just part of it *
Transitioning from college to the "real world" has been tumultuous to say the least. Not only do I have to deal with moving back in with my parents, but everything that comes with that. Yes, there are perks to living at home (rent free). The obvious, lack of bills I would otherwise need to pay for. A fridge that's usually overflowing with food. Someone to cook and clean for me, without asking. People that scold you for staying out too late. Not making noise at night for fear of waking them up. Dealing with the zillions of questions that arise throughout the day : did you floss? where are you going? who are you with? did you go to post office? what'd you get in the mail? did you open your mail? etc.
It's been tough, and I know people can relate to a few things that I mentioned up there. It's hard to come from a place where if you didn't feel like leaving your room for three days because you wanted to binge watch Breaking Bad in your apartment, no one was going to stop you. Sure there's always the mom of the house, that helps prod you along, but in college you're your own boss. It's pretty much the only time where you're in charge of just yourself, with virtually NO RESPONSIBILITIES. Think about it, the most you really have to do is not fail out, and you're golden.
When they hand you your diploma it doesn't say "this person skipped a bunch of classes" or "that person really didn't know what they were doing these four years", and that's the beauty of it. What changes instantly is the pressure that's put on you to take that next step.
If you're not an undergraduate student, living at home and not leaving your room for 3 days because you want to watch the entire season of True Detective in your underwear isn't going to go unnoticed.
I love my parents to death for all of the sacrifices that they've made but there are times where I just want to be left the fuck alone. I don't want to talk to anyone, and I don't want to have to explain why I don't want to talk to anyone.
From what I've gathered, most people that return home after four (or more) years of freedom share some of these sentiments. And that things usually dissipate once you leave.
The thing is my parents are great! I arguably have one of the best mom's to ever walk this earth, and my dad goes to sleep spewing wisdom on a nightly basis.
And it's a two way street. They're learning to let go, despite the fact that I haven't left, yet. They too have to re-work some dynamics now that we're all adults living under the same roof. It's tricky because I'll always be their little girl, but they recognize that I'm not so little any more.
Transitions aren't always as effortless or smooth as PowerPoint made them seem back in the day, and that's okay. As long as both parties are aware of that, you'll get there.