“and while you may be disappointed with my response, I’m not going to apologize for that”
You're probably wondering what took me so long to update my blog, and while you may be disappointed with my response, I'm not going to apologize for that.
I will apologize for not keeping you in the loop, and for allowing myself to succumb to outside pressures - for this, I apologize.
When I started this back in high school, I didn't even consider that other people might actually want to read what I had to say, or that they cared enough to see what I had going on.
It wasn't until college that I started to really channel my thoughts.emotions.life into this.
I wanted to create something that was pure in the sense that it meant something to me, and me alone. With time (and lessons learned) I realized that yes, I may have started this just for myself, but I don't continue it for that same reason.
I DO THIS FOR YOU.
Starting over this past Summer, I wasn't necessarily in the most ideal situation, I fell off. I noticed a shift ever so slight, internally, that I knew I had to start working on a solution.
When you invest in something, and you exert energy into it, you expect a certain outcome. And when that new reality, the one you planned for but didn't expect, the one you hoped wouldn't show itself but does, comes to light...you have to adapt.
So naturally, like the stubborn person that I am. I did what worked for me. Sporadic writing, whether it be on paper, through voice memos, or through countless drafts that I'll never publish.
Everything got to the point where this, Kibsta, seemed like an unsurmountable, overwhelming feat - and I was in no mood to take on that challenge.
Days turned into weeks, which turned into months. It's not that I wasn't making notes of things to share, or that I hadn't put in the effort, but there was nothing driving me like it used to.
“I have to write today”
I got to the point where writing at all, whether it was in my journal seemed like a chore. I have to write today. I would tell myself.
And it was as if, by just mentally mouthing that phrase, I was free of actually doing it. The thought of writing down all the shit that was going on, no matter if it was good.bad.ugly or by piece mail, seemed exhausting.
I told myself I would rework my habits. I would ring in the new year with new rules, new guidelines. That I would post every day, or at least outline something, anything. But like most routine, I loathe it. I was now at a point where planning to plan was out of the question.
“I need to take time to do my shit”
It wasn't until this weekend that I willed myself to start saying it out loud, in hopes that this time it may actually stick.
So with that, here we are.
Yes, a lot of shit has changed since the Summer, a lot of stuff has happened. And there are some parts that I won't share, and some that I will. All I can ask for is patience.
Some days, you just don't feel like it. Whether that be going to work, going to the gym, putting pants on, or smiling. Don't apologize for that. Just know that people will continue be there for you, when your eyes are half open, as you put the wrong pant leg on, with your gym bag in one hand (with no headphones, of course), and your sanity in the other.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
keep it raw.