We’ve all had those experiences, the ones where as much as much as you try to pretend that you still have things in common, you know deep down that you’re both different now.
What I’m talking about isn’t as simple as one of you is a vegan or the other listens to Classical - I mean fundamentally. The things that may have kept you in lock step before, have you walking at different paces now. And the beauty of all of this is that it’s okay to drift apart. To acknowledge that while you may not have the same interests or same viewpoints on everything like you once did, that it’s acceptable to change and evolve – in fact, most of the distance usually creeps in because one person is exactly as you remember.
Sometimes the gap widens because as much as one person may have changed, the lens in which they’re viewed has been locked in.
Rather than try to force conversations about what happened in the past, and nit pick the details, move forward. Create new memories with each other. Recognize that while that person that you used to be so close with may not be the same as you remember, they’re entitled to have switched things up. The major hurdle that come into play usually hits you when you’re too busy looking down to notice what's in front of you.
Here are a few things you can try to remember to ensure that your once BFF, can still remain a close companion, as you both start new journeys in life.
Try not to sweat the small stuff from the past.
There’s a reason why everyone has one, and while sometimes it’s okay to take a deeper dive, constantly comparing a person to their past self is only going to lead to a future nightmare – people change, and it’s perfectly normal.
(I would go as far as saying, if you're the same person as you were two years ago, you might want to reassess)
Commenting on how much or how little a person has evolved is a good thing to avoid. Instead, focus on the present. What’s new in their life that you can both relate to now with fresh eyes? Is there common ground that you can both stand on to facilitate a foundation for a strong future? Or, are you both avoiding that uncomfortable conversation where you both admit that in reality, you may not be the most compatible any more.
Listen when the other speaks! Can’t stress how important this one is, for all situations, not just ones that involve people from your past. The easiest way to get on someone’s good side is to pay attention to when they speak, and to follow up on it. For instance, if they’ve revealed that they’re in the market for a dog, rather than gush about your own for half an hour, how about quizzing them on which type they’re interested in?
One of the easiest ways to alleviate that distance you might feel in a relationship, is to ask questions! While you may think you know someone, chances are if you’re not usually in the same time zone there are some things you may not know about this person – here’s your chance to ask!
Split the load, instead of keeping score. This is something we all do - we're competitive by nature, and sometimes to a fault. If you're constantly being bugged or doing the bugging to hang out with someone, take a moment and think about why that is. If you feel like you're always the one to initiate plans, or that you wouldn't see this person unless you contacted them first, tell them! Don't keep a mental note of all the times you were the one to do so, it's only going to create resentment that will later manifest itself. Take the time and tell them what you want them to do, whether that's planning something for you both to do together the next time you hang out, or picking up the check.
Speak the fuck up. And I mean it. When someone hurts your feelings. When someone bails on plans that you set at the beginning of the week. When they flake on you for the fourth time. When you've made a mistake. When you overreacted, undershot the time it was going to take to get somewhere, forgot your wallet at home (forreal). The only way a relationship is going to grow is if you tell the other person how things make you feel. Granted I'm not telling you to sing a song about how awesome using organic shampoo feels on your scalp. I'm talking about those times where you let things go in hopes that they won't do it again. Unless you tell 'em, they're not going to read your mind.
If there's a person in your life that you miss, reach out to them, because life is short, and there are rare instances where an apology and a meal can't fix things.
keep it raw.